That girl.

I just want her to be healthy. If that means she has to stay down there and get treatment to get better. I want to be there for her, and I know I can't bring her here if she is going to be needing medical treatment soon.

I just want my baby to be healthy. Please.

Please.

Sob Sob Sob

I miss my baby. All I want to do is fall asleep for the next 25 days. Just do nothing. Sleep. I can't take being alone like this anymore, not after what I had. I know it's coming fast, and I know she has a lot to do in the next month that she is away. I just am so lonely. I can't even take it anymore.

Soon I feel like we will hardly talk, and I will come down to pick her up, and she won't remember who I am.

Rar. Lonely.

Skin against the steel.

Sometimes I can be a odd person. I will walk a certain way, a certain step, a certain speed. I will think in a way that does not make sense when I go back over it. I will talk in a way that many will never understand. I go for certain feelings when I see them. I will always stick my hand in a bag of seeds or rice or beads or beans just because it is the best feeling that can be had as far as I know. I will always press my forehead against cold steal when I have a headache or when I am hot.

I will do these things because they are the human thing to do? Or I will do these things because I am less human than the rest of everyone elese. Sometimes. I don't feel welcome as part of our species.

I don't know that any of us do.

Maybe we should all just go back to not.

This water bottle is not so empty.

I can't say that I remember why I even ever made this site, but I do not lack enjoyment in making new posts.

I hope that everyone who has ever read anything enjoys to read what I am currently writing.

I am happy.

There is no reason not to be happy.

I am happy.

He's coming to get you, Amanda.

I am turning into something. All those things you hate, but you love way more. The one thing you thought you needed to live without, but now you know you could have never made it any other way. The life and times of a truth. My life is something I am starting to take seriously. I am making my way somehow. Making the way that nobody else has. Trying to figure out how to do everything on your own is not something I was ever taught. With some people, they know exactly how to do everything. They aren’t afraid of the steps it takes to do anything.

For me, walking into a new part of life takes a nice amount of time. As much as I am a free thinking individual, I am honestly more than a little afraid of the way life changes sometimes.

I am afraid I am walking on stepping stones, and with each step, I lose the last step, and can’t see yet the one in front of me. I take the wrong step, and I am done. I fall into whatever these fucking stones are floating on top of. I step on the wrong stone, and I have no way to get back. It doesn’t seem fair.

I guess if you want life to be fair, you really have to make it fair. I am working on that.

It is March 5, 2006, and I woke up at 5:30 this morning. I decided to call Amanda, knowing that it was a more decent time for her. I guess she was awake, because she had to go to the bathroom, but was too tired to get up. I feel bad, because I wasn’t any help. I just talked to her for a half hour or so. Then I feigned sleep for a few more hours, and talked to her again as she went to church. For some reason, I am pretty sure that she thought more about me during church then she thought about Jesus. I am just guessing, I might be totally wrong.

Maybe she hates me, and just hasn’t told me yet.

We are 9 days from 4 months, and I am not entirely sure what that means. To me it means something along the lines of “Wow”. I guess I shouldn’t, or can’t speak for her, but I like to think that we are doing very well. We are healthy, and playful. Sometimes too playful. Sometimes.

I guess I am a bit selfish. I should try not to be. I need to start trying harder to fulfill her needs, and make her happier. I sometimes forget to do that. Making me… a bad person, and more importantly to our situation, a bad boyfriend.

I kind of wish for a few things. I know of many things I wish I had. I know of many things I wish I was. If you could have one serious wish that would change your life in a non financial way, or in a silly way, what would it be? I wish I could just take better care of the ones I love.

Hahahahaha. I don’t remember which color my blood is. I should go and find out.

Sí, amor.

In the Catholic Tradition.

Congratulations. It is Lent. I am morally not allowed to eat meat anymore on Fridays. Which is funny, because I am not a practicing Catholic. The only reason I feel bad anymore is because my mom still thinks I am, and it's not that I am hiding it from her, it's just that I don't care enough about it to let her know.

So, I still hold onto the fake little things like no meat on Fridays, but I don't hold to hard. Today was odd, I went out to eat with 10 family members. All of them Catholics, and only my mother, one aunt, and I ate non-meat. I had fish. It was good, but my reasoning was not that I am a Catholic, but damn it.. I wanted Fish.

I also had a bowl of cereal for lunch. No meat in that.

So, somehow I fell into the trap of being Catholic today.

After we went to dinner, we went and saw a play. This was cool, it was cute. I loved it really. It was all about love, and killing the ones you love.

I thought about Amanda the whole time.

Ha. Honestly though. It was my Grandmother and Grandfather, Three pairs of my aunts and uncles, and my mother and father. I wanted Amanda to be there so bad, she is all I thought about the whole dinner, and the whole show.

I miss that girl so badly. I need her to enter my life. I hope that the moment she reads this, she calls me, and the first words out of her mouth are "I miss you, and I love you." I am pretty much sure that I need her to hold me right now. I am freezing cold, and I don't know if I can go one without someone's body heat keeping me nice and warm.

I have decided what I am getting her for her birthday, but that is a topic for another day.

Long Long Distance.

I don't feel like I have to give a back story to you. We have been going out for almost four and half months. We have spent that time trying desperately to get to know each other better. Which is kind of funny because we both know nothing about each other, and know everything about each other at this point. We learn new things every single day. Like how a certain type of bee could kill her instantly, no questions, no answers. We still know nothing about each other, even through all of this. Four and a half months, and living across the country from one another. How does it work? Let me try to explain it.

It does work. Somehow it does work, but there are a few reasons why it does work.

1. Communication is so key. You are way to far away from each other. You have to know what is going on. You need to stay talking. Short messages left at the inbox. Long e-mails. Voice mails. Late night talks while watching the weather channel. (Which is how and when we fell in love.) If you don't talk, if you don't tell each other what is going on, then it is really hard to keep a relationship going. If you want a strong relationship, then talk often, and talk in many ways. Serious talks are important, but so are casual immature talks. From talking about your relationship to talking about current events. Communication is so key.

2. Trust is something you need to have. Once you have a little bit of trust, that is when your relationship really starts to get going. Before you have that little bit of trust, nobody really knows what is going to happen. A few promises here, and a few serious discussions there... Suddenly you have yourself trust. You can start to feel that they are yours even if they are so very far away.

3. I know that this is very odd, but Devotion is important. Devotion to each other, and to the future you hope to have. Without that, what is really stopping you from finding someone who is local and willing? Honestly, if you are willing to be involved in this long distance relationship you must have some sort of devotion to the person you are involved with. If you can't say that you are devoted, then there is really no purpose. Why go through all the trouble if you are not even sure where you are going with it.

4. Honestly, Honesty. I bet you thought that was cute. Well, actually I bet you didn't think that was cute, but I don't really care at all, because I am being honest. Just like you should be if you want your long distance relationship to work. If you have a problem. Tell them. If you have done something wrong. Tell them. If you hate the way that they breathe into the phone. Do whatever it takes to make them stop. They will listen, and hopefully be thankful that you are being honest. Not being right in front of each other means that it is hard to judge the way someone feels about something you are talking about. Whether it be sports, or your future together. Being uncomfortable in a relationship is not a good thing. Be honest about how you feel.

5. You are human. If you are normal human adult, you need some sort of satisfaction. So, number five on our list is something I am going to be blunt about. If you can not see each other on at least a semi-regular basis, then you need to be having almost regular phone sex. It both keeps the spark alive and well, and it helps to open each other up in a moment of passion. This is not something to push each other into, and it is not something that will even be done right away. Gradually, with time, you might think about doing this. Your urges will rise, and soon you will just figure it all out.

6. Gifts, Letters, Pictures, and Care Packages. I, myself, might be lacking in this area. I know that I have not done my part in fulfilling this, but I want you to know that it is not a bad idea at all for you to send the other person as much anythings as possible. They will see how much you really care when they receive something really special for no reason at all. No reason except how much you love them. Also, putting more thought into gifts then buying her something shiny and expensive is a good idea. Something from the heart is a proving point. The other person will see this a reassurance. Also, with everything you send, you should send at least one new picture with. If I were you, I would send many. They need to not forget what you look like. Everything from close to the face, to your whole body (Shut up, perv. Not that way). They need to not forget you that way.

7. The last things that you need are really just normal. You need love. You need to have at least something in common. You need what all normal relationships need to survive. What you need most is a promise of some sort of future. Some sort of reason why you are surviving through this long long distance relationship. As long as you have a reason, and I know I do, you shall make it through this.

Follow a few of these, and you will be alright. Long distance relationships aren't easy. They are very hard actually. There is no reason at all to even try to get into one if you don't have the time, or the patience. Take them seriously, and they will be worth every second.

Soda causes cancer.

I found this recent news article to be really pretty astonishing. I can't say for sure that I really enjoy the fact that it is true, and I also can't say for sure that I believe it is true at all. Why are we supposed to believe it? The only thing that it is is a hyped up journalist trying to squeeze something wonderful out of something that does not really matter at all.

I can tell you one thing. This is not going to change anyone's mind on whether or not to drink soda pop or not. There are those of us who wish only to drink what we feel our body needs, and there are those of us who feel that they can do whatever they want and they won't suffer the consequences.

Life is life. Drink your cancer juice. I suppose you think it is good for you just because it is diet.

Good luck.